You Need Lots of Lubrication...

Yes that actually came out of a middle aged woman's voice yesterday at the taping of the Graham Norton Show...more on that in a bit.

Let me say though that taping was one of the funniest things I have seen in awhile, despite the fact Joan Rivers is going to be on next week and I did not really know who most of his guests were. It all started standing in line with the lovely lesbians behind us freaking out because all the people with the yello wristbands got in first. There was no need to worry though lezzie, we had seats. Graham comes out and one of the first things he says before filming the intro is, "There is always some FUCKER who is sitting behind me looking tired and bored." Just the way he said it made me laugh so hard I have no clue why. The guests were Lord Alan Sugar, host of the British Apprentice (so naturally there was a joke about Donald Trump in there), comedian Lee Mack, some chick from Strictly Come Dancing aka Dancing With the Stars Pamela Stephenson, and James Blunt. Yes the guy who sang that overplayed song "Beautiful" is still around and actually his song is quite catchy.

British TV is way more raunchier then Americans because you know were freak out because Janet Jackson's tit flashed on the screen for two seconds, let alone MTV talking about masterbation.  Since Pamela Stephenson (who I just looked up was on SNL from 1984-1985 and Superman III) is now a psycologist Graham had some audience members respond to letters sent to Pamela by some of her clients. The most disgusting was the one about a 91yr old still having an active sex life despite the fact she doesn't orgasm and her husband only gets tiny erections. The funniest was when someone wrong "My husband spends about 20 hours a day pleasuring himself and never had time for me. I haven't orgasmed in years. Graham asked an audience member for advice and this middle aged (probably late 50s) said, "Get lots of lubrication and go join him." Probably the funniest, yet most awkward thing I have heard in a long time. That on top of Pamela Stephenson dancing with Graham and having him ride up against her "nunu". I'll let you decide what that means.

Lord  Alan Sugar (I love saying that name) was kind of dry and talked a lot. Especially when he started talking about politics. Apparently James Blunt was in the military? He also uses marmite before each performance to "lub up" his vocal cords. All in all it was an excellent show. Be sure to watch on BBC1 or BBC America tonight, maybe you will see me, upper part of the audience, three rows back middle section, three seats in!

Also, since my computer is going to take a week to fix this wonderful post is brought to you buy the Maughan Library basement floor aka the dungeon (no literally there are jail cells here)...

Well This Just Sucks

I have finally recovered from the trauma that was yesterday. It all started when I was doing the laundry in the rain (as usual). When I came back from putting more money to increase the time on the drier my screen died. This is all i needed.

I simply couldn't wait to see what was wrong with my laptop so I just ran to the PAWS room on campus (which I'm gonna assume stand for Print and Work Station?) to contact my family. Naturally it was friggin 6am in the US so that was no help. Thankfully I found a computer repair store on the Strand because buying a new laptop was simply out of the question. Basically laptops here cost the same only in pounds...so yeah...don't have that much money. Initially it was going to cost £220 to fix my laptop. Then to add to the chaos I got an email from GW saying they paid for my housing....So basically I paid TWICE for my housing. In a nutshell I lost like over $2,000 in a span of one hour yesterday. To add insult to injury while walking home I got wet my shoe soaked when I stepped in a puddle accidently. So I spent my night in the PAWS room where all the cool kids hang out. I was sitting here minding my own business and out of no where some friggin cat came up next to me. I nearly shit my pants because initially I thought,"SHIT this thing probably is wild and has rabies or something." Apparently I didn't get the memo that we have a "campus cat"...what a waste of money!? At least get a dog.

To add to my frustration I decided to skip go to the screening for my Film Studies. Today they placed a clip of the movie that I missed, Pierrot Le Fou. Thank god I did not stay. All I thought based on this two minute clip was WTF.French people doing impressions of Vietnamese and Americans just blabbling in Vietnamese and saying "New York", "Hollywood"...It made a Quentin Tarantino film look normal.

But today I got some good news. First, I will get my money refunded ASAP, probably by tomorrow which is good. GW is sorting out my financial status thank god. The laptop is not going to cost nearly as much as estimated, but it is going to take a week...fair trade off I guess. So for next week me and the PAWS room are gonna be best buddies. Also, I decided that for Halloween I am going as Wolverine.

Thank god Ana Quijano posted NPH videos on my wall so I can watch them when I feel down and lonely sitting in this room that is so hot I'm sweating my balls off with some stupid cat.

Graham Norton tomorrow!

My Red Chair Story

As some of you know I have tickets for the Graham Norton Show on Thursday. I am really excited except for the fact that at next week's taping JOAN RIVERS is going to be his guest. All I get to see is some Lee Mack and James Blunt. Anyways they have a segment called "The Red Chair", where viewers are asked to submit crazy or unusual stories and the best ones get to tell them on air. Nothing is too risque. Only catch it if Graham and the guests don't like you, they get to pull a lever which kicks you out of the chair. It's free to try so I figured what the hell here is mine. WARNING the squeamish should not read on:

So my Red Chair story involves me, my parents, and my dog. I was sitting in the living room one evening watching some show and heard my mother screaming "RYAN come quick!! There's something wrong with the dog." My mom freaks out if the dog's stomach growls so naturally I ignored her. She calls out to me again saying that her and her boyfriend think the dog has a tumor. Then my brother comes in laughing and says "Go look." My mother is panicking and dialing my father, her ex-husband, to  see if she can do anything. She starts screaming "John it looks like a Slim Jim, I pushing the 'tumor' in with a paper towel but it doesn't go away, it won't go down." By this point I come into the room. I look at him and notice something is bigger then usual. I look at her and say "Mom, Chewy has a boner", and all you hear is my dad dying laughing on the phone laughing at his ex wife saying, "We'll jeez maybe that's why, he's probably enjoying it." Apparently the dog is turned on by my brother's leg and started humping it that's why he was laughing so hard. Long story short, my mom unbeknownst to her was jacking off the dog. Thank God he was fixed...

Strawberry Gate

Greek Vase from Athens, Notice woman picking her nose

First of all, for those of you who can't pronounce the fruit is called "straw-berry" not "straw-brerry". Last night I decided to have a quiet night in with a few cans of Pimms and "watch" the Phillies on ESPN gamecast since you can't watch baseball in the UK. Given the outcome of the game I am not going to say anymore on the issue. What I will talk about though is how SOME IDIOT here in Hampstead decided to throw strawberries  all down the hallway and all over people's doors. This on top of music blasting at 2:30am, but sadly that is expected here in Rosalind Franklin Hall. All I have to say to whoever did that were lookin' for you and we gonna find you! Also, why!? I mean really strawberries are such a good fruit and no longer in season, why is there to whip them at peoples doors and smear them into the walls to the point that now the walls have a reddish tint to them? Grow up...

Statues from Parthenon

I needed to get out of this immature place and do some work. Snape gave me the option of either reading or going to the British Museum so naturally I took the easy way out and went on a field trip to the British Museum! There were so many pots, but that was overshadowed by the rest of the galleries. My personal favorites were the Rosetta Stone, which is a lot smaller in person, the mummies, and the one statue of some Roman official that has a slight resemblance to Osama Bin Laden (pictured in the blog). But in all seriousness this is probably my favorite museum that I have ever been to. There are so many artifacts dating back to 2000BC from Ancient Egypt, Greece, Rome, Mesopotamia and Assyria to name a few. Another one of my favorites was the clock room that had clocks throughout the years. That clock that looked like a ship was seriously made out of gold. After two hours and almost two hundred pictures later I realized I had not seen all of the exhibits, but me being the history nerd that I am I know I'll be back again.

Rosetta Stone

While the British faction of the Boykos stuggles to survive airial bombings from strawberry throwing bastards, Southern Command is reporting that the Boykos across the pond have avoided the crisis that was "The Rice Affair". Thankfully it is Sunday so that means there is tons of coupons. Reports are that Uncle Ben's is buy one get one free. The Boykos' stomachs will be quiet for quite some time now.

Next Sunday is Halloween already I need an idea for a costume! Since I look like a vampire I may end up going as that but I want to do something different/ interesting. Plus Graham Norton this week, which apparently I forgot to thank my Aunt Victoria for emailing me the mailing list for tickets. All my family does is bitch so they get mentioned in this blog (I still love all of you dearly).

This is actually a clock

Brief food encounter tonight. I see numerous vendors selling what they claim to be "hotdogs". A hotdog is not a sasuage I'm sorry. It is the most disgusting grinded up meat, usually a mixture of pork and beef put in casing. The "hotdogs" they sell on the street is doing injustice to the meat they are selling because true hotdogs are worse then that. Plus you need to have an Iranian American selling you one like Minouch or it isn't the same... Another English roast dinner this Sunday, soooo good.

Mummies!

I'll now leave you with the statue that the woman next to me claimed looked like Osama Bin Laden:

Osama?

The Boykos Are in Code Red

Yes, huge catastrophe, but more on that in a bit.

Last night we did the whole pub hopping scene in Hampstead. Our first stop was the Holly Bush, which is apparently Jamie Oliver aka the Naked Chef's favorite pub in London. It had that HIMYM feeling to it; all that was missing was my boy NPH and the night would have just been magical. Since it was pretty posh it was actually cheaper for a mixed drink then a pint of beer or cider. Sitting there gossiping about life and such made me feel like we really were Ted, Robin, Marshall, Lilly, and Barney sitting at MacClaren's. At one point I felt like walking up to some random stranger and saying, "Haaaaaaaaaaavvvveee ya met Ted?", and walk away.

Today me and a few of the girls went to Covent Gardens. Thankfully I was stopped from buying three pairs of shoes just from window shopping. I must say though, I don't really see the appeal of vintage clothes shopping. All of the men's stuff smelled of mothballs and was more vibrant then a sweater Bill Cosby would wear. I also am not a fan of wearing previously worn shoes. I just can't pull off the whole vintage look. After three stores of just that I had enough...

...but I was rewarded with a cupcake from Ella's Bakehouse, which I feel is worthy of some promotion here! I had the Banoffee which to quote my mother's idol and the most annoying cook in America, Rachel Ray,  was "delish". I will definitley be coming back to Covent Garden for some shoe shopping and some more cupcakes!

After my cupcake I tried sausage rolls for the first time for dinner. I must say linked sausage and puff pastry is one of the most ingenious combinations ever made. High up on my list of great English foods with Jaffa Cakes.

And thanks to Fox and the New York Yankees for ruining my evening. Since they lost last night the Phillies game tonight was moved from 8:00pm UK time to 1:00AM...thanks....

Now to the crisis that is rice being $1.25 at Walmart. I am in the middle of telling my Aunt Victoria about my day and all my grandmother and uncle (based on the conversation I'll assume Uncle Paul) care about that rice is friggin $1.25 at Walmart. I'm trying to tell them about my day, about how lovely it was and all anyone cares about it that rice is $`1.25 at Walmart. To add to the chaos its $1.97 in Publix. It is safe to say the Boykos are operating under code red tonight because of the cost of friggin rice. And because they weren't listening to me I will tell them here what I was trying to tell them. They were selling ugly truffles in one store for 60p, unlike the beautiful ones my Aunt makes at Viktoria Richards, but no all we care about is the price of rice in China.

Too. Much. Vinegar.

I always wanted to see the Princess Diana memorial in Hyde Park. Binda and I were set on doing that today. First, we were hungry so decided to look for a Tesco, yep another 2 pound meal deal. Apparently Hyde Park is the only area in London where you can't walk more then 2 blocks and find yourself a Tesco. We walked by Harrod's on our quest to find a Tesco and all I can say is this...holy shit. Such a huge department store. I may take a weekend and spend it there.

Since we couldn't find a Tesco we settled for Mark and Spencer's, which I suppose is more of an upgrade, but pricier. I must say though at least this chicken and bacon sandwich is on brown bread and it actually tasted like roasted chicken. I'm still not a fan of the mayo though, way too vinegary for me. And honestly, I would love just for once there to be a multi-meat sandwich in this country. No bacon does not count because that is practically on everything to the point that my pallet no longer has a taste for bacon.

Hyde Park was very pretty. There were lots of birds and ducks in the river, which is my new obsession to take pictures of since they have no fear. Also, my have seen an albino pigeon. I took like three pictures because I thought we were going the right way to the Princess Diana memorial. Two problems with that: one, the arrow pointing to where it was located was incorrect because I didn't see any memorial. Problem two was the fact that I was looking for some nice fountain or statue of Lady Di. Nope apparently the memorial is a stream of some sort with water flowing. I don't think water would be flowing this time of year, so other then the lovely walk and conversation with Brinda, our sightseeing for the day was not too successful.

Dinner was my next tragic fail. I tried to make 16p instant mashed potatoes from Sainsbury's. To start off I did not have any milk so already I was cutting that out. Since I was doing fifty million things, it started boiling quicker then I anticipated and quickly started pouring it in. It was taking for ever so I separated it even more. That was when the whole bag went into the pot and some onto the stove top. Directions only called for half the bag. Probably the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. As a last ditch (and ultimately futile) attempt to save them I ended up adding more boiling water and butter to them. Paula Deen would have been proud but by this point the consistency was hard, kind of like dough and nothing like mashed potatoes. The amount of butter had turned them from white to a pale yellow. All I had was two fish fillets and corn, and since I only had a chicken and bacon sandwich I ended up eating the mashed potatoes. Mixing the corn in with butter, salt and pepper saved them somewhat. It reminded me of the consistency of a baked potato by this point.

Then I started to cut my fish when I realized that I forgot my tartar sauce. I went to the cabinet squeezed and nothing came out. Screwed off the top and I noticed the cap was still on. Squeezed it again after taking the cap off and it came out watery, not like thick American tartar sauce. I turned the bottle over to look at the ingredients and there it was. . . VINEGAR. WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE VINEGAR!? Tartar sauce is supposed to literally be just mayo (made the American way) with pickle relish, not a vinegar based condiment, nor for that matter is ketchup, mayo or mustard! I give up, but since I never show weakness I ate my fish, which was very tasty. This was followed by a fifteen minute breakdown after dinner on AIM with my aunt about how vinegar is in everything and ruins the condiments. I will admit the potatoes was me being stupid, that happens on a daily occurrence, but the vinegar in the tartar sauce was the last straw!

Oh and to top this all off appaently I look like the guy from the Vampire Diaries. I looked him up; it's Paul Wesley. I guess it's better then being told you look like Edward Cullen. Maybe I need to get a tan or something. The whole "you look like a vampire" seems to be a recurring theme.

Hope this isn't too bitchy, because aside from vinegar based condiments I do love it here. I am just really sick of vinegar and the sandwich combinations. I'm eating out this week at a "proper" restaurant. I will sacrifice a night of clubbing and alcohol for it. Or maybe I just need to live up to the name of the blog and get shagged???

My One Month Anniversary

I've been here a month already!?

WHAAAATTTT!????

So here's a list of the ten craziest things I've learned from the English (in no particular order):

1) Being "knackered" does not mean that you are drunk. Remember that next time you are in a bar and someone is rubbing their leg up against yours. It means "tired".

2) Squash is not a vegetable. It is a double concentrated drink that you can't drink straight. You have to have to add water to dilute it. Took me three days and a full liter to be told that. If I develop diabetes like Walter Brimley or the good looking Jonas brother, you know why.

3) Pints are 20oz, not 16oz. So remember before you send your dad a drunken email telling him that they are. You'll forget you did it, but be reminded of it the next morning when he replies.

4) Apparently coleslaw and lasagna go together and so do french fries, ketchup and butter on white bread. Lay's is known as Walker's and stuffing is made with breadcrumbs.

5) You need to pay a TV tax to have a TV or the government will come after you.

6) Don't get into arguements with the  "knackered" Brits about American politics because they know more then you about your own political system (trust me).

7) Awkward Asians will still sent you fb messages complimenting you on your good looks (at least in my case). Guess the point I'm trying to make is I'm still seen as attractive no matter where I go.

8) Eggplant is called Aubergine...don't ask me why.

9) All the cool kids aka low lifes sniff vodka for fun!!!

10) If someone says to you "Are you alright?" don't get offended and start thing "why the hell does everyone think I am sad or homesick for some friggin reason!?" it is one of the British ways of saying "How are you today?"

Nothing too exciting today. Just Film Studies class watching It Happened One Night, I highly recommend. I am really getting annoyed with Narnia aka the library because none of the computers work and their internet database sucks. The one book I need is the only volume of The Oxford History of the British Empire not available for online viewing. Just my luck...

And also some of you (MATT) have commented why I haven't talked about getting shagged. Now why would I tell everyone about that. Who would find that the least bit interesting? I like to keep my readers in suspense!

Cheers! (The one British saying I just have a hard time saying but I'm trying to warm up to it)